I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about, the way…

I am sitting down in my room on Monday and I decide to play some music. Randomly I decide to play John Mark Mcmillan's song "How He Loves" off his CD The Medicine (which is in stores now)!

This is one of my favorite songs and I listen to it often but this time it was different. I decided that I would do some research on this song ( I'm sort of a music junkie) but anyway, in doing research I stumble upon this
How He Loves : A Story. Once you get past the awkwardness of the video you start to see a real genuine man literally pouring out his heart. There's passionate stories all around the world but why this one stood out to me I hope to tell you. I hope to explain it in such a way that it touches you too.

November 29th, 2009 , My grandma Jesula Gilles passed away. I know that everybody dies , and death is inevitable but I think the part that stuns us as people is when it's unexpected , when it completely sweeps you off your feet.

A couple weeks prior to November 29th , my grandma had been complaining of a stomach ache , so my mother and aunts brought her to the emergency room and long story short; the doctor's decided that she needed to have her gallbladder removed. I don't usually put all my faith into the doctor's hands but because of my anxiety I needed assurance and I sought the answer from man instead of God.

After the surgery grandma seemed to have recovered rather quickly and doctor's discharged her and we thought everything was fine. Later that week it was literally a roller coaster as to whether grandma would live. While away at school I was getting bombarded with calls that she stopped breathing and soon after calls that she was alive. I remember wrestling with God and confused as to what he wanted to do.

I believe in his providence , I believe in his grace but I was hurt,angry, confused. It's hard to stand up for God to other people in the midst of them mocking him. I know and knew then that he was faithful and that even though I didn't understand what was happening, he did.
You know it's amazing that God would remember me among the billions on this world, it's amazing that I felt his attention in that moment. I wonder if that's how Job felt in the bible? When everyone urged him to let go of his faith he said no! Maybe all along he had been experiencing the Lord even though he was silent. Maybe he knew just how great and faithful the Lord was.

I haven't been through 1/256th of what Job went through, but I do know that God will always get you through if you are one of his children. He will ALWAYS get you through so that should be no question. That shouldn't be a debate of ours but because we can't see the future, we forget easily.

So I walk into the ICU of the Sand Lake Hospital , and I go through a series of rooms into this cold section of the hospital in which I have to call the nurse in order to gain access to her room. Only two people can go in at a time and I quickly fix my face to be an example for my little sister. We will be strong, we will be strong , I will be strong , God has got this in control I say to myself.

I walk inside with my little sister after giving her the pep talk that all would be well and I see her , lying there , helpless with a million machines , electrodes all over her body... The machine is breathing for her. I grab her hands and say grandma. The way I used to with the same melodic , childlike voice I tell her : Grandma I LOVE YOU and I always will. and I prayed , I prayed a prayer saying that I would give it to God. I prayed hoping that she would wake up in that instance but praying to be ok if she did not wake up.


She died days after, the doctors instructed us that we had no option but to pull the plug and in that moment. I felt just about all the emotions I could feel at once.

Thinking about how life would be shortly after for my mother, my father, my aunts, my siblings, my grandpa it got pretty burdened.

So why this song? well it is pretty much my life from the first lyric to the last. The Lord is jealous for me. I am still his first priority as well as my family (those that know him). Although he has taken me on a whirlwind which at times has me feeling afflicted , he presents the comfort in his affections. May we never forget the Love that we have in Christ. He loved me through times where I was not his biggest fan, he loved me through my confusion, through my pain , through my sin.

That kind of love surpasses anything that I could get from anyone. That kind of love is that which gave his only son for me, the love that sacrificed his whole life and endured the wrath that was meant for me. The kind of love that is not organized in one category but it really encompasses everything. It the love that has no boundaries , no limitations. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's joyous , sometimes it protects , other times it chastens. It's that irresistible grace, that sustains me.

I still don't know what I am supposed to know about my grandma dying , I have no answers into how it has made me into a stronger person if anything I am more weak than ever. But one thing it reminded me of was HE LOVES US.

The amount of love that he has for me. I can not organize it into words, he loves my grandma , he loves my family , he loves me.


How do I know this? His word tells me so, my life is evidence...

I hope this encourages you... because God is here even in the most  painstaking moments... ready to take us in with his grace , most importantly his love.