in retrospect...

this is a journal entry from August 16,2008... randomly selected i think it'll be interesting to look back , hopefully it doesn't bite me later. i figure this is a look into how far Christ has brought me and some issues he is still mending...

"it has been almost a week , since i wrote , it's been a week. Since I've been running away still. So ALOT has happened father I feel you now , I have been running away Lord from you + from alone time with you. Father what happens when we know you are the one and run away any way?

I am lying to myself , he will never call. we know what hurts is that i want him to. Father give me the strength. How is it that I still care? Father inside hurts my heart hurts. i know that there are no immediate ways to fix it besides patience. God he's not going call and when he does , he expects me to answer and we can't be friends. sincerely and honestly. i guess i do that to others. I tell them lies and break my promises. I don't want to have to depend on him so I won't. the minute i do , i am saying Christ isn't enough. God it hurts not to be desired. Father it hurts that there will be another that isn't me. Father my heart is broken that I don't want to speak to him and at the same time I do. He can no longer make me happy anymore... there's more to it. Love like me and him had. it's hard to fathom there could be another. hurts to know that there is someone out there for me and even if I got him it would never satisfy me like you. You are the only void filler. Father you are perfect. I know that I am Lazy ... i will not speak to him with expectations that he cares or that he loves me.i will not let him be a security blanket. You have given me such freedom and I don't Know the feeling of that yet. Now it is pain but it will be rejoiced at one point. Father I am weak and I give up ... this can't be my battle I will lose... most indefinitely. God i am lonely and I don't like it quiet. I can't keep running away from this. Please give me the strength dear God. this pain i'm feeling is temporary but you are eternal. Father I am yours and yours alone. "


it is now March 1,2010 and man has things stayed the same and some has drastically changed...
the pain is gone but the scars are still here... looking back has been refreshing...
i'll explain it all this way:

a father once gave his daughter a ring (a plastic ring , you know one from those crackerjack boxes ). she thought it was everything. she loved the ring and never separated from it. finally the dad decides wow i'm going to buy her a real ring ( i'm talking legit gold carats to infinities kind of rings) . she doesn't want to give up the plastic one , she cries and begs and says that its the best ring ever there can never be anything as awesome as that ring. finally after some time she comes up crying , tears in her eyes and she opens her palm (looking away from her dad taking away the ring she thought she loved with her whole heart). he places the new ring in her palm , she realizes that this was the true prize and that tattered ring from the past didn't matter.

this story was told to me and it's the one i recall and bring up often. the Lord knows what I need. I am his. I was in a relationship where I thought there could be nothing better but I was BLIND. and man when i finally came up to the lord , tears streaming from my eyes looking away as he took away what i thought i always needed he replaced it with something much better.

i can't save anyone. and i most certainly am not capable of doing so. but the Lord is and he rescued me from the life that i was headed towards. i was drowning and he did more than threw me a lifesaver but he dived in and took me out himself.  i often look back in awe of what the Lord took me from and all that he has taught me. Lord i am thankful that you would see it fit to protect me, protect me from guilt , protect me from covetousness , protect me from losing my purity , protect me from offering love that wasn't true love , protecting me from giving away all i had for someone it wasn't meant for.