is it brainwashing? or is it simply Christ?

This week has by far been one of the hardest academically speaking, it has pulled me in a million directions and has caused a great lack of sleep. Here it is Friday and I am able to rest, a thought flows through my head though and it has been keeping me up all night into the morning. I love to look back on my life, I am finally at a point when I can stare my mistakes in the eye and praise God for him taking me out of some pretty dangerous situations. I still  remember the words though, the words spoken in my colorful past full of lies and deceit and deception. I remember being in denial about an abusive relationship. I remember justifying all that I had done wrong. I remember hurtful words that I allowed to describe me. I remember everything. It ranges from the terrible things I have done to the terrible things that have been done to me. I'm not here to point fingers however ; that would be useless. Fast forward to now. my life has clearly changed. The things I once fought for , are things I no longer care about. The acceptance and approval from my boyfriend, or the acknowledgment of my intelligence, the great skills I possessed I no longer cared for. These things and many other items used to be my life, it is what I lived for. The most vivid memory is the summer of 2008, it is a summer I will never and can never forget.
I decided to go on a Christian leadership project for two months. I was unaware of the changes that would follow on that trip. I was in love ( I guess as much love as a 18 year old could be in). This person meant the world to me and I lived for them in some twisted way. I fooled myself into thinking I was independent but I could not live without this person. We had been through so much and I just knew in my heart that we were destined for each other. I found out later that summer that I was wrong. You see, I molded myself to being the perfect person for this man. I guess in a way I tried to make us perfect. I chose to look over red flags and honestly I looked over who I was. The intentions of this man may have been pure but the timing and the source of it all was all wrong. You see no matter how pure the intentions were the applications were tainted. It's all tainted without Christ.
According to Webster's dictionary brainwashing means Intensive, forcible indoctrination, usually political or religious, aimed at destroying a person's basic convictions and attitudes and replacing them with an alternative set of fixed beliefs.
Now humor me for a second, I thought I was doing the right thing with this guy prior to that summer. I thought we looked like the model couple and everything we were doing honored God and everyone else around us. I fought so hard for a "religion" to  the point where my boyfriend at the time faked his commitment to Christ. There are things I will never know and also things I will never be able to apologize for.
But on that day May 24th, I realized that this religion that I had been fighting for would lead me nowhere, nor was the relationship I was in. Both the relationship and religion led me to a place where I was destroying a person's basic convictions and attitudes and replacing them with an alternative set of fixed beliefs.
These alternative set of beliefs were what I thought to be true. But in my race for wisdom , I only found foolishness.
Romans 1:19-23 says [19] For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. [20] For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. [21] For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. [22] Claiming to be wise, they became fools, [23] and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.
and Romans 2:15 [15] They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them.
 I use these two passages to prove my point. I went against what my conscience was saying to do. I replaced Christ without anything else that I thought could satisfy me. I put my pride and work into being the perfect bride for this man, I wanted a life together more than anything. I was willing to be separated from my family for our sake. Although there were many signs that we both should have separated, I refused to listen because I was willing at all costs to be with this person. I usually am not vocal about my past in this way but I can not believe how I failed to see the pattern I was beginning.

I know that I know that I know that God has changed me through his son Jesus Christ. Call me crazy but I think I was brainwashed in the beginning before Christ. I was brainwashed into thinking that I could find my satisfaction in someone who could not love me and who I could not love as well. No matter how much effort I put in efforts were futile because there was no foundation. We were building upon ourselves, building upon sand. I am finally happy, I am finally satisfied and it is not because I attended some church service and walked down an altar, it is not because I have been a member of a community, it is not because I was looking for a new fix. I am happy because Christ found me, I am happy because he was there all along. I needed to taste something that was futile in order to know his worth, his love. I had to endure that situation of having what I thought was the only thing keeping me alive to my real source of life. You see God saved me, not because I was better than anyone else, he has stood by me through some hard decisions because he loves me. I had a terminal condition and if he would not have saved me when he did I would have been running to the next thing that looked like it would satisfy.  I have had many criticisms about my new life, about the new decisions that I am making. My only rebuttal is that I know what life was like in bondage, I know what it was like to be brainwashed, and now I know how freedom tastes.
It is that I have been walking in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights and right when I begin to realize that I am going to rot away, a well appears with the most amazing spring water ever made. That's Christ for me. Don't feel sorry for me because I am not brainwashed, I have been freed from a doctrine that dictated my life. I have been freed by the blood of Christ whose love is inseparable. It has caused this radical change , I have no other explanation for it. I don't do things because I have to, I do them because I want to adore a God who has loved me enough to sacrifice his son for a sinner. Not for a model class citizen but for a depressed, tired, sinner who needed a savior. Is this brainwashing? No with all the confidence in the world I can tell you it is simply Christ.

A Mirror is Harder to Hold.

Those that know Jesus, how much do you really love him? I mean ask yourself how much do you really love him? Are you willing to sacrifice, fight? Are you willing to deny everything that keeps you from him simply because he's greater? Simply because you love him? Are you willing to love him in the moments where nothing is happening and hold on to him when chaos comes? Are you willing to run after him, chase after him until you can't anymore? Do you love him because you've been told to love him or do you love him because he sought to save you when you deserved hell, when you were beyond dead in your sins? We use love so freely, tonight I'm asking myself how much do I love this man,this God I claim to follow? Do I love him to the point when I care not about me but rather him glorifying himself through me? Do I love him enough to walk the narrow road alone when others oppose me. Am I willing to be alone? Am I willing to drop certain friends, make career choices, humble myself? We sing this in songs,we say this with our words but do we mean it. Are We Willing?
I know and I remember vividly what life was before Christ. I knew not of my sickness until I was offered redemption. Before Christ I was a selfish , harlot, who thrived on perfection and approval for others. I was in the top of my class. I was leading many children at church. I was popular and intelligent. I was living for nothing, fighting for nothing but what I wanted. I was a hypocrite and I was hopeless.

Lately I have been running in a direction that may seem to be detrimental, but Christ being abundant in grace is always calling me back. I want to run hard like I'm in a marathon. I want to live the words my savior spoke.
The problem is I have been relying on my strength to be perfect. I have forgotten that I need complete dependence on Christ and the Holy Spirit.
 How much of our love are we showing Christ in private. Are we loving him, are we praising him for his awesomeness, for his faithfulness? Are we following him besides just what is evident to others?
I hope this propels self examination, I hope this proves how much a fallen girl like me needs such a super savior.

it stands on GRACE

Where does joy come from? Is it experience? Is it innate? Who gives it? How do you find it? Is it something that I can pick up or does it come when it wants to?
Being saved for me means becoming a kid again. It's life before Eve ate the fruit , innocence. It's the risk taking , childlike faith that believes that my, that OUR God could do anything. The older we get the more foolish, who are we to act like we know more than Christ. In our attempts of being 'wise' we become idiots because we attempt to put it all on ourselves by how many chapters we've read, how many verses we've memorized, how much sin did we kill today. Our measuring cup is all wrong, pour it out. IT MEANS NOTHING. We can't work up to Christ, he came down to be with us, he came down to pour his blood , sweat, tears and his words out for us. That's where joy lays, no one can take that away because its truth. No feelings, no emotions, joy simply stands on its own, it stands on GRACE. It stands on the unmerited favor that God has chosen to give his followers. It has nothing to do with anything we've done rather everything Christ has done for us.

Seeking the Things Above: Random Link Time [Summer 2010]

I have been stumbling on some awesome tools lately:
So I wanted to pass them along...

Websites: (These are more so reading options and great tools to answer questions, and further your knowledge on the word).

I'll Be Honest

Awesome Link full of goodies that have helped me with Life.
Authentic Honesty from a genuine venue.
Check out the Sermon Jams or the FAQs.









Desiring God

This ministry is run by John Piper and a couple of awesome individuals giving glory to God :) The resource library is full of links, and articles and everything!






Monergism

 The ultimate source for all things reformed. The FAQ section is amazing, all the questions you could ever want to ask and more.



Third Mill Ministries

 Third Millennium Ministries is ran by Dr.Richard Pratt. Free resources and great theologians breaking down the scriptures.


Churches: Awesome churches that are fully loaded with sound teaching and doctrine!

Village Church

  Village Church is run by Pastor Matt Chandler. This resource page is loaded with worship music, articles, and expository teaching.









Harvest Bible Chapel Miami

This church is very special to me because it's my home church :). It's about 9 months old and it's a church plant led by Pastor Jason Fevig. It is associated with Harvest Bible Chapel led by Dr.James Macdonald. This link goes straight to the sermon page. We have been doing a 17 week or so teaching titled "Beyond the Limit" on Colossians. Legit and Essential!


Music

I love all sorts of music and I have found that God has provided some awesome outlets for me to listen to and he gets all the glory. I listen to quite a large amount but these are some jams that I am listening to this summer.

Reach Records 
- Lecrae , Sho Baraka , Trip Lee , Tedashii and Dj Official! 

Jimmy Needham

He has three albums out right now Speak Not Without Love and Nightlights. His music is absolutely amazing and inspiring. These three albums present a message of redemption and hope. They are convicting and also very encouraging. Please check him out, you will not be disappointed.




Jon Foreman 

  Jon Foreman is one of the members of Switchfoot. His solo work is broken down into Winter, Fall , Spring and Summer. All of his works points towards our need for something greater. Brutally honest , broken and beautiful.








Zach Williams

Storytime by Zach Williams has such an interesting feel to it. When I first heard him perform LIVE at the Culture Room in Ft. Lauderdale I was not completely convinced of the music but his presence was that of openness. He exudes individuality in a way that still manages to bring everything together.






Plumbline Collective

Plumbline Collective is a group of four guys that glorify God to the fullest. This music is my one stop for reformed Christian music , and it's biblically sound and loaded with scripture.








JJ Heller

JJ Heller captured my heart with her song Your Hands.  This indie singer's voice is captivating and the truth she presents hits me in a new way.







FlyLeaf

My friend Mati got me into this band and they have been growing on me ever since.







Needtobreathe

Washed by the Water, Lay Em Down, and Something Beautiful are just a couple songs from this band. Needtobreathe points to the only thing in life that gives us air; Christ.








John Mark Mcmillan

John Mark Mcmillan's album The Medicine was just released a couple days ago. I can not explain the excitement for this album in words. It reminds me how much God loves us. It's not the rainbows, butterflies, flower bouquet kind of love. It is the sacrificial , blood shedding, unconditional , agape love. It's not packaged in anything else but the cross.



Mat Kearney

Mat Kearney's album is one that is a testimony. Christ has clearly taken him on a journey and he has taken notes. Enjoy!








SO the Kid

SO the Kid's mixtape the five solas is available for download for FREE! Another source of great reformed, biblically sound, God glorifying music.







Meredith Andrews

Praise God for Meredith Andrews! She is humble and reminds listeners to exalt our King, our Lord of Lords, our Messiah. Her album is loaded with exhortations and edifying words.







Lauryn Hill Unplugged 2.0 - It is a series of about 14 songs along with Guarding the Gates (my new favorite).

I'm not sure if Lauryn Hill is Christian or not, but when listening to this album you quickly find that she has grasped something much bigger than herself.






Sanctus Real

 Lead Me, Face of Love , We Need Each Other are just a few songs from Sanctus Real. This is a great album , filled with beautiful melodies and a brokenness that only Christ could fix.





  

Books- I am sometimes known for reading a million different things at once. The books are truly addicting because of the truth spewing from them. I have narrowed down my reading list to the three books that I am concentrating on along with the Bible of course.

This Momentary Marriage - John Piper
The Cost of Discipleship- Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Don't Waste Your Life - John Piper

The most important source of all for Summer 2010:

The Bible - it is the run to, and primary source this summer. The one essential accessory that you shouldn't be without.

ESV Study Bible Online 

I think I'll be adding to this as the summer continues. I encourage you to check some of these resources out, and if you have more I would love to use them!

- Grace and Peace

Steph. 

  

I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, When I think about, the way…

I am sitting down in my room on Monday and I decide to play some music. Randomly I decide to play John Mark Mcmillan's song "How He Loves" off his CD The Medicine (which is in stores now)!

This is one of my favorite songs and I listen to it often but this time it was different. I decided that I would do some research on this song ( I'm sort of a music junkie) but anyway, in doing research I stumble upon this
How He Loves : A Story. Once you get past the awkwardness of the video you start to see a real genuine man literally pouring out his heart. There's passionate stories all around the world but why this one stood out to me I hope to tell you. I hope to explain it in such a way that it touches you too.

November 29th, 2009 , My grandma Jesula Gilles passed away. I know that everybody dies , and death is inevitable but I think the part that stuns us as people is when it's unexpected , when it completely sweeps you off your feet.

A couple weeks prior to November 29th , my grandma had been complaining of a stomach ache , so my mother and aunts brought her to the emergency room and long story short; the doctor's decided that she needed to have her gallbladder removed. I don't usually put all my faith into the doctor's hands but because of my anxiety I needed assurance and I sought the answer from man instead of God.

After the surgery grandma seemed to have recovered rather quickly and doctor's discharged her and we thought everything was fine. Later that week it was literally a roller coaster as to whether grandma would live. While away at school I was getting bombarded with calls that she stopped breathing and soon after calls that she was alive. I remember wrestling with God and confused as to what he wanted to do.

I believe in his providence , I believe in his grace but I was hurt,angry, confused. It's hard to stand up for God to other people in the midst of them mocking him. I know and knew then that he was faithful and that even though I didn't understand what was happening, he did.
You know it's amazing that God would remember me among the billions on this world, it's amazing that I felt his attention in that moment. I wonder if that's how Job felt in the bible? When everyone urged him to let go of his faith he said no! Maybe all along he had been experiencing the Lord even though he was silent. Maybe he knew just how great and faithful the Lord was.

I haven't been through 1/256th of what Job went through, but I do know that God will always get you through if you are one of his children. He will ALWAYS get you through so that should be no question. That shouldn't be a debate of ours but because we can't see the future, we forget easily.

So I walk into the ICU of the Sand Lake Hospital , and I go through a series of rooms into this cold section of the hospital in which I have to call the nurse in order to gain access to her room. Only two people can go in at a time and I quickly fix my face to be an example for my little sister. We will be strong, we will be strong , I will be strong , God has got this in control I say to myself.

I walk inside with my little sister after giving her the pep talk that all would be well and I see her , lying there , helpless with a million machines , electrodes all over her body... The machine is breathing for her. I grab her hands and say grandma. The way I used to with the same melodic , childlike voice I tell her : Grandma I LOVE YOU and I always will. and I prayed , I prayed a prayer saying that I would give it to God. I prayed hoping that she would wake up in that instance but praying to be ok if she did not wake up.


She died days after, the doctors instructed us that we had no option but to pull the plug and in that moment. I felt just about all the emotions I could feel at once.

Thinking about how life would be shortly after for my mother, my father, my aunts, my siblings, my grandpa it got pretty burdened.

So why this song? well it is pretty much my life from the first lyric to the last. The Lord is jealous for me. I am still his first priority as well as my family (those that know him). Although he has taken me on a whirlwind which at times has me feeling afflicted , he presents the comfort in his affections. May we never forget the Love that we have in Christ. He loved me through times where I was not his biggest fan, he loved me through my confusion, through my pain , through my sin.

That kind of love surpasses anything that I could get from anyone. That kind of love is that which gave his only son for me, the love that sacrificed his whole life and endured the wrath that was meant for me. The kind of love that is not organized in one category but it really encompasses everything. It the love that has no boundaries , no limitations. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it's joyous , sometimes it protects , other times it chastens. It's that irresistible grace, that sustains me.

I still don't know what I am supposed to know about my grandma dying , I have no answers into how it has made me into a stronger person if anything I am more weak than ever. But one thing it reminded me of was HE LOVES US.

The amount of love that he has for me. I can not organize it into words, he loves my grandma , he loves my family , he loves me.


How do I know this? His word tells me so, my life is evidence...

I hope this encourages you... because God is here even in the most  painstaking moments... ready to take us in with his grace , most importantly his love.

the blind can't lead the blind.

picture this: you are driven to an unknown location and you're blindfolded. the task is to find your way home.there's another person in the van with you but he's blindfolded too! he assures you that although he's blindfolded he knows the way around. question is : do you trust him? do you let this blind person lead you to this destination. I'm hoping that your answer is no.

now I'm not claiming to be the first one who has discovered this fact by far it was thought up way before it popped into my mind. it's a logical argument! the blind can't lead the blind!

Luke 6:39 says it all : " Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they both not fall into a pit?"

We are all disillusioned with something, there is nothing that we as humans can state that we have 100% grasped the concept of. I do not want to follow someone or something that is unsure of its destination. In this culture and world I tend to chase and follow things and people who aren't apt to lead. I think the problem is that they are far to busy following themselves. We can't see the big picture of it all , it's much to lofty to attain.

Christ shows us the path but we get off course the minute we decide to follow something other than the savior.  don't put your faith in men put it in CHRIST everything else will just lead you astray.

Christ's light shines brighter than any constellation even in its dimmest phases.... I can't bare to follow anything else today for the fear of falling into the pit is greater than I can fathom....


- just a random rant of the day...

hopefully you can examine the things that you are following and see where it leads you tonight...

steph

running fast... running hard.. running far...

so i'm jogging right , and i'm accelerating running faster than i have been and at first it feels great. the adrenaline is taking over , i'm amped , fueled , passionate...i'm in high gear in this state, i'm steady , no need to map out the logistics . it's past the physical this feeling has found its way into my mind.

i'm running fast holding fast to the word of life so that i haven't labored in vain , running hard making myself a slave for all peoples helping and using the Lord as my example and running this race towards God and away from you not looking back but pressing forward.

i feel so sad for those that are so confused they convince themselves they aren't.
i feel for those that are so hurt they refuse to love again.
i feel for those who lie to themselves so that they can have all the answers....

it's going to be a hard reality when you realize you don't.

so for now i'm running , running fast , running hard and running as far away from you as i can possibly be.

in retrospect...

this is a journal entry from August 16,2008... randomly selected i think it'll be interesting to look back , hopefully it doesn't bite me later. i figure this is a look into how far Christ has brought me and some issues he is still mending...

"it has been almost a week , since i wrote , it's been a week. Since I've been running away still. So ALOT has happened father I feel you now , I have been running away Lord from you + from alone time with you. Father what happens when we know you are the one and run away any way?

I am lying to myself , he will never call. we know what hurts is that i want him to. Father give me the strength. How is it that I still care? Father inside hurts my heart hurts. i know that there are no immediate ways to fix it besides patience. God he's not going call and when he does , he expects me to answer and we can't be friends. sincerely and honestly. i guess i do that to others. I tell them lies and break my promises. I don't want to have to depend on him so I won't. the minute i do , i am saying Christ isn't enough. God it hurts not to be desired. Father it hurts that there will be another that isn't me. Father my heart is broken that I don't want to speak to him and at the same time I do. He can no longer make me happy anymore... there's more to it. Love like me and him had. it's hard to fathom there could be another. hurts to know that there is someone out there for me and even if I got him it would never satisfy me like you. You are the only void filler. Father you are perfect. I know that I am Lazy ... i will not speak to him with expectations that he cares or that he loves me.i will not let him be a security blanket. You have given me such freedom and I don't Know the feeling of that yet. Now it is pain but it will be rejoiced at one point. Father I am weak and I give up ... this can't be my battle I will lose... most indefinitely. God i am lonely and I don't like it quiet. I can't keep running away from this. Please give me the strength dear God. this pain i'm feeling is temporary but you are eternal. Father I am yours and yours alone. "


it is now March 1,2010 and man has things stayed the same and some has drastically changed...
the pain is gone but the scars are still here... looking back has been refreshing...
i'll explain it all this way:

a father once gave his daughter a ring (a plastic ring , you know one from those crackerjack boxes ). she thought it was everything. she loved the ring and never separated from it. finally the dad decides wow i'm going to buy her a real ring ( i'm talking legit gold carats to infinities kind of rings) . she doesn't want to give up the plastic one , she cries and begs and says that its the best ring ever there can never be anything as awesome as that ring. finally after some time she comes up crying , tears in her eyes and she opens her palm (looking away from her dad taking away the ring she thought she loved with her whole heart). he places the new ring in her palm , she realizes that this was the true prize and that tattered ring from the past didn't matter.

this story was told to me and it's the one i recall and bring up often. the Lord knows what I need. I am his. I was in a relationship where I thought there could be nothing better but I was BLIND. and man when i finally came up to the lord , tears streaming from my eyes looking away as he took away what i thought i always needed he replaced it with something much better.

i can't save anyone. and i most certainly am not capable of doing so. but the Lord is and he rescued me from the life that i was headed towards. i was drowning and he did more than threw me a lifesaver but he dived in and took me out himself.  i often look back in awe of what the Lord took me from and all that he has taught me. Lord i am thankful that you would see it fit to protect me, protect me from guilt , protect me from covetousness , protect me from losing my purity , protect me from offering love that wasn't true love , protecting me from giving away all i had for someone it wasn't meant for.

heart of the matter.

who do you serve? who are you attempting to impress ? is your outside appearance great but sin is spewing out of your heart?
do you just smile everything off and know exactly what to say?

the Lord says in  I Samuel 16: 7 that he does not look as we see but he examines the heart...

if the people around you could see your heart and thoughts in this rawest form what would people say? what would the reaction be? i know for me personally i haven't been honest at times and my heart has been rotten. without Christ being the propitiation for our sins there would be no hope of restoration but thankfully there is.

thank God for Christ who is willing to see my heart for as raw as it is and still love me... my heart sometimes yearns for him and at times my heart is selfish. 
thank God for Christ who constantly reminds me that there is a standard... and that i am to follow him , not culture , not society but Christ.
 
i only pray that we as people would be willing to admit that we aren't perfect and attempt to examine our selves... fooling yourself will only have you confused and in the middle of a lie.

God's standard is holy... nothing less than it.. 

J.C. Ryle says something legit in his book a bad heart "Unless you really know the character of your own heart, you will never value the Gospel as you ought; you will never love the Lord Jesus Christ in sincerity; you will never see how absolutely necessary it was that He should suffer death upon the cross, in order to deliver our souls from hell and bring us unto God."

i think that about sums up where i'm at right now... 






 

hi my name is Stephanie and i'm beautiful....

This week I went to my cousin's baby shower, and while it was a great time I can never seem to take exactly what I packed back home. I'm known for always leaving something behind. Well this time I left my makeup bag! I know you're probably thinking that I'm pretty full of myself and you know I just may be. Beauty is such a weighty subject and I will attempt to decipher the inside franticness that occurred when I realized I left the make up bag...

In Ephesian 6 Paul discusses having the shield of faith to extinguish the darts from the evil one.If this armor is assembled it allows you to have full protection from your adversaries. You can't go out to war without protection , it's practically suicide. Well let me let you in on a sin outta my bag of many. That makeup bag was in one way my shield of self esteem. I don't wear much just a light coat and a minimal amount of eye shadow, topped off with my mascara, but that process does something to me. It gives me "protection". I feel confident and I don't feel like anyone is watching oddly enough i don't feel like I'm noticed with makeup on. The blemishes are covered up (well at least , I think they are) about the age of 12 ACNE started and it has literally affected my life , it just happened! I just got tired of explaining what was happening to my face meanwhile my insides were deteriorating . On some days I loved my face , blemishes and all and on some days I couldn't get out of my room. I will not get into the self esteem issues any further, than the fact that it seeps into and destroys everything. It affects how you view yourself and how you communicate with others.
My issues of self esteem will never cease but one thing that did change it was Christ. These blemishes remind me of my sin and struggles and sometimes its unbearable.I know that I'm beautiful but the times I know beauty is when I'm finding my confidence in Christ. He tells me I'm beautiful in his word he describes me as priceless, bought by the love of Christ. He tells me he knows every hair on my head and that he knew me before I was formed. He provides me with a loving mother and father to support me. It's frustrating that even with that said I find myself still trying to cover it all up. Is he not Enough? I really am marred inside and I constantly need Christ because I am nothing. I really am worthless without Christ. These blemishes have turned into scars , reminders that sometimes I cannot stand to see. I probably can't get my bag for months now. Until then my face will be naked. I will be showing my weakness and give Christ the glory for getting me through it. Even though I don't deserve it all. This is such a trivial subject for such a deep issue. My outside appearance sometimes reflects what's going on inside. I am hoping that God would create in me a new heart and that it would yearn and thirst for him in a way that I would have nothing else to rely on.