hi my name is Stephanie and i'm beautiful....

This week I went to my cousin's baby shower, and while it was a great time I can never seem to take exactly what I packed back home. I'm known for always leaving something behind. Well this time I left my makeup bag! I know you're probably thinking that I'm pretty full of myself and you know I just may be. Beauty is such a weighty subject and I will attempt to decipher the inside franticness that occurred when I realized I left the make up bag...

In Ephesian 6 Paul discusses having the shield of faith to extinguish the darts from the evil one.If this armor is assembled it allows you to have full protection from your adversaries. You can't go out to war without protection , it's practically suicide. Well let me let you in on a sin outta my bag of many. That makeup bag was in one way my shield of self esteem. I don't wear much just a light coat and a minimal amount of eye shadow, topped off with my mascara, but that process does something to me. It gives me "protection". I feel confident and I don't feel like anyone is watching oddly enough i don't feel like I'm noticed with makeup on. The blemishes are covered up (well at least , I think they are) about the age of 12 ACNE started and it has literally affected my life , it just happened! I just got tired of explaining what was happening to my face meanwhile my insides were deteriorating . On some days I loved my face , blemishes and all and on some days I couldn't get out of my room. I will not get into the self esteem issues any further, than the fact that it seeps into and destroys everything. It affects how you view yourself and how you communicate with others.
My issues of self esteem will never cease but one thing that did change it was Christ. These blemishes remind me of my sin and struggles and sometimes its unbearable.I know that I'm beautiful but the times I know beauty is when I'm finding my confidence in Christ. He tells me I'm beautiful in his word he describes me as priceless, bought by the love of Christ. He tells me he knows every hair on my head and that he knew me before I was formed. He provides me with a loving mother and father to support me. It's frustrating that even with that said I find myself still trying to cover it all up. Is he not Enough? I really am marred inside and I constantly need Christ because I am nothing. I really am worthless without Christ. These blemishes have turned into scars , reminders that sometimes I cannot stand to see. I probably can't get my bag for months now. Until then my face will be naked. I will be showing my weakness and give Christ the glory for getting me through it. Even though I don't deserve it all. This is such a trivial subject for such a deep issue. My outside appearance sometimes reflects what's going on inside. I am hoping that God would create in me a new heart and that it would yearn and thirst for him in a way that I would have nothing else to rely on.

assigned seats?

so today i sat in history class and i accidentally well maybe not accidentally but i sat in someone's seat. i mean we're in college  and i always thought you could sit where you wanted. i know that this is trivial and it really doesn't matter which seat someone sits in but i guess territory is the issue. change it scares people. it scares me at times too but when your trust is Christ,  your foundation is never changing and so we should be able to withstand wind and trouble. In the way that life works for me if it's not planned and it happens i'm freaking. which isn't biblical.  i know this has nothing to do with assigned seats but change is scary. it has the ability to turn our worlds upside down and completely. but when we rely on solid rock our seats are in fact assigned. Christs' seat is assigned, no one can take his throne. I guess the franticness that the girl had as she huffed and puffed for me to get out of her seat was in fact truth. Needless to say I got up after sitting down for a while.Once again i was taught another lesson. All that I think I know is really nothing at all. In 1 Corinthians 1:20 where Paul states that no one is wise. And if you think you are wise you probably aren't. [dually noted]. Perceptions, perceptions, perceptions are so deceiving and misleading. The process of getting home is what I'm trying to figure out here. I appreciate these bread crumbs he's dropping on the way attempting to lead me home. We know where we belong. for me it's with the Lord. and anytime someone comes and tries to move me out of my seat it's never a good scene. We know where we need to be and nothing can separate us from that (Romans 8:39)

take care of you...

so i'm back from my weekend at home and well it was an awesome time. you know there's so much we take for granted in this world. it's sorta sickening because we get to a point when we are desynthesized by things that otherwise should be amazing. ARE we that quick to move on to something else? cars for instance - they amaze me. we went from steam to gas? really that has got to be amazing. or planes even, how is it that we get to go through clouds , float like the biggest birds in all of the land and not be amazed? even technology has removed the wonders of the earth.of course when things seem to change they always stay the same. nothing is new under this sun that's for sure but i don't think we take enough time listening to the breaths around us. there is more life than death in this city. i wonder what would happen if just for one day we took time to see the beauty in the sun that warms us, or the water that quenches our thirst , or the cross that bare our sins. man life would indeed be worth living.

so i get home and the amount of love is immeasurable. my parent's relationship seemed tighter than tight. like collagen fibers tight. God has been so abundant in his blessings towards me. life used to be so broken and well now it's in God's hands. I wanna go where he leads me broken or not he's healing me. he's healing me in such a way it's scary.

the one materialistic thing i enjoyed was the food. oh man was it good. i had the most awesomest breakfast banana nut honey cheerios with fresh blueberries and cut strawberries. life is good! the simple things make me smile in life ...you know i speak in fragments because nothing's ever complete to me until Christ makes it complete. i sure can't be the ones to finish my thoughts for you , this broken heart of mine is ever changing...

i keep thinking about philipians 4:8-  Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things...

build me a home

so i am on a bus on my way to orlando.. and i'm thinking man it'll be awesome to go home. and get to see the family i miss so much. but as i'm thinking in this wonderful bus with luxurious seats i'm thinking where's home? location ? is it the house? is it comfortable ? is it the insanity? i'll let u know at the end of this.. man we never know where life is going to take us , which road we'll have to take which detour will be provided. tonight i'm reflecting upon the roads that the sovereign lord allowed me to take. u know some roads i wish weren't dead ends. thank God that Christ is our provision and we don't decide where we are going right? i mean really when i'm in the drivers seat i crash everytime. you know there's always something that i realize is a massive mistake only after. not that i'm expecting to avoid mistakes because i'm not. but it's that 1 john 1:9 effect where  it says in the English Standard Version ^[9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.] isn't that a great thing to have. he is faithful to forgive us and cleanse us. it's like this Jon Foreman song where he says "build me a home inside your scars , build me a home inside your open arms" it's amazing that he gives us a place to live in the love that he shared for us.

you should write a book...

So this is my first of well many attempts at starting up a blog. This time though it feels different. I used to be the first one chastising someone for uploading anything on this world wide web but alas here I am. it has a pull to it, you know the ability to write things down and express your self. So to that one person that I gave so much trouble i apologize....

Now back to this blog. I guess we blog because we think we have something valid to say. oh maybe we blog because we want to see the words come out. maybe if we see them we make them true in some way. So is that us coping? or maybe it's like writing and saying are two different things and we need to write in order to keep ourselves sane? man i have no clue but all i know is that this is  pretty darn awesome and i sure hope to find out something about myself through this.

maybe this will aid in my race towards Christ. Lord knows i'm running but I'm just praying not to make the wrong turn that's all....

Today I read Ruth and I noticed her strength in staying with her mother in law. She could have easily ran and she was given the option but instead she rested in the unknown. She was willing to take a chance on a God she had never known before and venture into a land that she knew not. Man what can we call that?  That's gotta be some kind of election some kind of faith. Not to say that Naomi's other daughter in law Orprah did the wrong thing but she def won't know the full capacity of the lord.  To wait on the Lord to know when to rest or to run. That's a balance I haven't obtained yet. Christ died so that I could rest in him. So that in those scars which he took on that day to pay for my sins I could find his redeeming love. his never ending , unconditional , sacrificial love. I'm def still running. not really sure where to but Home...